REPLY TO TARA

To: Tara Blyth, Director of Public Relations, Kamut International, Great Falls, MT

Dear Tara,

Yes, kamut is indeed wheat, as we discovered as we rushed to the ambulance that would take us to the emergency room. Luckily Claudius had a snort of something that fixed Minerva up in no time and we sent them away. Clarissa, who is a lawyer, offered to sue Terracina for the mistake, but Minerva wouldn’t hear of it, fearing that Terracina, who is her agent, wouldn’t call her anymore for auditions. Meanwhile, Aloysius, a closet food snatcher, inadvertently ate some garlic mistakenly slathered on bread in the refrigerator and started to burp and belch, turning red as a beet, while compulsively singing operatic arias. Cornelius pulled out half his hair when he discovered the cauliflower soup was made with meat broth and started hallucinating. He swore he saw God. Thinking it was white chocolate, Clarissa grabbed a piece of cheese off a plate that wasn’t meant for this dinner and blew up like a balloon, which made her otherwise anorexic body look rather healthy. The Smiths went home to check on the baby-sitter, whom they discovered in flagrant delecti with their neighbor’s teenage son, who was using the tofu as a sex aid.

I took out my notebook and tried to interview all the participants for the WeHoNews, but they didn’t have much to say as they were too busy gargling with mouthwash, poking fingers down their throats, practicing yogic breathing, and reciting incantations to ward off the evil food gods.

Dominick shoed us all out the door and told us not to come back until we were all healthy.

As for me, I loved the kamut pasta salad and asked Terracina for the recipe which she wouldn’t part with as she’s entering the dish in a contest in order to become a top chef on the Food Channel.

Thank you for you letter.

Sincerely,

TheLadyUpstairs aka... The Macroneurotic